Letter To My Crush

Dear Crush,

I haven’t pinpointed you yet. That sounds strange considering that almost everyone has a crush, or at least someone they think is cute or would prefer to date. It’s been many months since the break-up, and I’ve had to replace you. I’m just not sure who you are yet.

At the age of 6, I thought you were a skater boy with golden hair and a silly laugh. He and I were the best of friends until another boy came in and we were broken apart, our friendship severed forever from what it once was. I’ve known him for 9 years, and I still haven’t figured him out.

At the age of 8, I thought you were a tall boy with thick, dark brown hair who had a smile that always reached his eyes. He and the other boy were best friends, so I tried to revive the friendship through connecting with him. We grew closer than I thought, and I second-guessed his feelings for me. I’ve known him for 8 years, and I still haven’t figured him out.

At the age of 14, I thought you were a troubled boy with gorgeous eyes and a great sense of humor. We told ourselves we were in love, and everyone (including me) believed it. He didn’t, in the end. He broke me down at my highest points and I told myself that it was okay. He left me and broke my heart and made fun of me and disrespected everything I stood for. If he were my true crush, he wouldn’t have done that.

At the beginning of my 15th birthday, I was still struggling with finding you. My three boys from past years were still surrounding me. They all have new loves now, and I’m still here. Nevermind.

Now, I think you’re here through a quiet musician with loving eyes. We talk every day, whether virtually or face-to-face. He tells me little things about myself that I have yet to figure out. I love him, but I’m not sure in what way.

Anyway, I can’t wait to meet you. Unless I’ve already met you, then hello. I’m Hannah.

Much (Unrequited) Love,

h.m.